some strings break just to be tied better

the ultimate comeback

i’ve been in a writing coma lately. definitely not the cute, romantic kind where the writer disappears to “live life” and comes back with clarity. more like the kind where your brain is occupied elsewhere and creativity gets shoved into a quiet corner.

primarily because i started working full time again. and yes, i know, that’s not a solid excuse to people who have mastered multitasking and still manage to journal, go to pilates, romanticize their mornings, and cook dinner from scratch. good for them. i’m bad at multitasking. like, embarrassingly bad. when i lock into something, my brain gives it full custody. work first, everything else later. that was the plan.

looking back, probably a bad decision. because all the stress from work had nowhere to go. it just sat in my head. i forgot that blogging and journaling were my release valves. so instead of processing things, i absorbed them. and yes, i didn’t even journal for a while because i was so desperate to do well in my job, especially during the first three months. i wanted to prove something. to them. to myself. to the imaginary panel of judges in my head.

the worst part is that i felt like i couldn’t even complain. because technically, i chose this. i signed up for it. so every time i felt overwhelmed, i’d just laugh at myself like, well, girl, you did this. congrats. maybe that’s why i need to reread my own affirmations here on substack. past me really tried to warn me. past me was kinder.

anyway, enough ranting. i actually wanted to publish again for one very specific reason.

our friendship renewal.

i don’t even know how to explain it properly without sounding dramatic, but it feels like the universe gently dragging me back to writing by the collar. like, this is your language. use it. our reconnection feels calmer, sturdier, less fragile than before. like the strings snapped once, got tied again, and somehow became stronger. we’re older now. more settled. less reactive. more intentional. and that changes everything.

and tell me why this all happened at the exact same time jessica jung is singing snsd songs again. like… hello? we are so back. if you know, you know. second-gen kpop stans understand the weight of this. snsd is not just a group to us, it’s a timeline. a soundtrack to growing up. so yes, the timing felt illegal. too iconic. too scripted. if this isn’t the universe winking at us, then i don’t know what is.

i actually didn’t want to have a new year’s resolution this year. last year humbled me enough. but after this reconnection, i accidentally found one. to leave everything in the past. to live in the present. and to stop thinking so hard about the future.

especially the future. that word alone tightens something in my chest. so for now, i’m putting it on low volume. not ignoring it. just… not letting it scream at me. we’ll see how that goes.

not everyone welcomed this year in a good position. some of my friends and acquaintances entered it away from home. some alone. some without a home at all. a fire incident happened so early into the year, and those kinds of news shake you in a way affirmations never can. it forces perspective whether you want it or not.

and i hate that i can say this, but i feel lucky. lucky to be here. lucky to be safe. lucky to be writing again. lucky that my biggest problem right now is a writing coma and not survival. that awareness makes me softer. quieter. more grateful.

this feeling doesn’t happen all the time. the urge to write. the clarity. the want to document life instead of just surviving it. so i don’t want to forget this moment. i want to honor it. even if it’s messy. even if it’s imperfect.

maybe this is me coming back. not dramatically. just honestly.

and honestly feels better anyway.

xoxo, aster

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