circles and selves
trying to find myself in every group i'm in
i think i’m in too many friend groups. and lately, i’ve been wondering if that’s a bad thing or just a sign that i’m fragmented. or layered. or maybe just adaptable. okay let’s call it that. adaptable.
i notice myself acting differently in each one. sometimes i feel superior, sometimes inferior. when i feel small, it’s usually because i know i could get attached. and that scares me. i’ll get sad when things fall apart. but when i feel a little too big for the group, it’s because i already know i won’t care as much if we unfriend each other someday. maybe that’s messed up, maybe that’s just how i protect myself.
i don’t think it’s pretending. i actually think it’s a gift. or survival. chameleon energy.
but if i had to pick which version of me feels most real… it’s probably the one that’s always trying to please people. and i hate that. because it’s not even my favorite version. it’s just the one that shows up the most.
it gets more complicated when my worlds collide. like during the holidays — when i wanted to split myself and be at every hangout and plans. i didn’t want to miss anything. but tradition is important to me. it outweighs whatever attachment i feel to any group. so i always go back to my OG girlies. my partly korean bffs. they feel like home.
still, it stings when a group forgets to include me. even when i’m kind of new. out of pettiness, i get mad. but never longer than an hour. not even that serious. i just don’t have it in me to give energy to things i can’t control. even if that mindset is a work in progress. journaling helps. my burn book helps.
i always wonder if people care about me as much as i care about them. do they notice how much i shift just to match their vibe? or am i holding onto groups that wouldn’t even notice if i disappeared? probably. but i’m not perfect. i don’t even try to be anymore.
in losing strings, i talked about how people fade. but this time, it feels like i’m the one fading. like i’ve become the thread. stretched too thin to hold anything tightly.
maybe the answer isn’t cutting people off or collecting more friends. maybe it’s just about noticing which version of me i love, and feels most loved by people. and letting that be the anchor. maybe it’s okay to outgrow certain circles without turning it into a heartbreak.
but i still have questions. are we supposed to experience this tension just to finally figure out who we are? do our personalities depend on the people we’re around? and if no one gets to see every version of me, can i really say they know me? can i really say i’m being true?
maybe the truth is this: i’m not meant to belong everywhere. just deeply, somewhere.
with love,
aster
