i think my memory peaked in elementary. like, there was a time i genuinely thought i was that smart kid just because i could memorize an entire test sheets like it was a playlist (i honesty believe people who can memorize shii are naturally smart). in 5th grade, our teacher gave us a mock exam that turned out to be the same with that mock one so i got a perfect score (i don’t know why our teacher did that but i lived for that obvi), memorized every answer with grace and a smile. don’t know about you but i think it was iconic.
but somewhere between high school and now, something shifted. i remember trying to memorize a two-minute speech in high school like i was training for war. that’s when i knew i lost it; the skill. the gift. the art. am i embarrassed about it now? not really. i’ve simply rebranded. yup that’s not my brand anymore. i’m not the memory bitch anymore and honestly? there’s peace in that. like you know how easy it is to kill a convo by just saying “i don’t remember”? like sorry i don’t recall your high school trauma or that one promise we made in 2016. and actually life’s easier when you don’t remember enough that much details.
have people ever gotten mad at me for forgetting? probably. cause again, i don’t remember if they did. and if they did and the memory actually mattered to me, i know i’d ask follow-ups like an investigative journalist. otherwise? whatever. most of the time, it’s conversations i forget. i talk so much so there’s just no way for me to remember every damn words, sentences, or stories (lie or not) i tell to people.
if the convo was about something big, something real and i forget it, i’ll feel bad tbh. like that one time me and my high school girl group made a pact to live together in the future (yes, five of us under one roof… delusional), and not remembering that will definitely make me feel like a fraud. like a fake bestie. but if it’s from someone i wasn’t even invested in back then? sorry. unbothered.
emotions leave scars. facts evaporate. that’s just how this brain works. it’s also one of the many reasons why i journal weekly. sometimes daily. so at least future me has a receipt when i inevitably forget the present. but do i wish i remembered more? kind of. not because i need to feel more emotional about things, but because full memory means full control. if i remember more, i could tell who’s lying in a conversation bring up receipts in arguments like a lawyer. but most importantly, i could use it as a weapon for a scheme. god it’s a part of me i couldn’t resist.
so why do i forget? of course i ask myself this question too and honestly? i don’t know. i just blame the aries in me. it’s part of my personality now and i think people needs to know about it just so they’d never hesitate to tell me a secret cause i highkey know that there’s a 70% chance i’ll forget it, which means y’all should really tell me everything. and girl that’s how you dodge a boring convo.
and the main reason why i wrote this? why i’m letting you know about this side of me? — to make you realize how we could really connect. i want that genuine connection, i want to hear the freedom of your words, that something strong enough to make me not forget it ever (or maybe this is one of my many ways of knowing secrets from people i know or strangers i just met lol). but seriously, know that i may forget every conversation, events, secrets, and all huge and tiny details we share, but i’ll never forget how they made me feel.
and lastly, if you come to me saying “you forgot my birthday” or “you forgot that fight we had in 2019,” here’s my official response:
“if you’re not that iconic for me to remember, that’s not my fault.”
mhua
Wait this is me to the T I feel so seen
Now I'm a little bit older and I've forgotten the majority of classmates I had and online friends I made and that's okay. I remember the ones that really stood out.